private thoughts

everyday's like the one before
it feels like my life is stuck on repeat track
the same track
it's always the same
sleep,eat,repeat.
sleep eat repeat.
there's nothing i can do about it
i'm afraid to leave
but i don't want to stay
i hate it all
i want to feel loved
i want to be happy
i wish i didn't have to leave to be happy
to find myself
i want to start living life
i'm stuck stuckstuck
forever stuck
im a little girl
im the littlest girl
and they expect me to be a grown up
i just need a little push again
but there's no one left anymore
i'm alone, i'm all alone
i've alienated everyone ive ever known
darkness fills my mind
and it's scary in there
so scary
i feel like shouting my lungs out
i feel like breaking my face
i feel like
FEELING
i need to feel
something other than misery
i can't go on like this
cant
go
on
anymore

June 28th 2008, 6:22 PM

I used to think, oh how it easy it is for beautiful people, how they never have any problems, how they..always seem to be happy...key word:seem.
Today a beautiful beautiful young female model, took her life by jumping from a 9 stories building...
She commited suicide.
I don't know, i can't understand what was going through her head, but i feel sympathetic towards it, because i've felt that way before, i've felt like just giving it all up, and ...you know...But then i think about my family, about the great damage i will do to them, and then there's my fear of dying also..I..I..i'm so devastated.
Isn't anyone happy these days?
What is happiness?
Why can't we be happy?
I don't get it and i never will.
I'm so upset at the people leaving comments in blogs,etc. saying things like "You could see the sadness in her eyes" ...No you fucking couldn't.
The same kinda stuff was said when Heath Ledger passed away.
If this so called turmoil and sadness was so obvious to the eye, why no one ever tried talking to them, helping them, just..ask them "hey, how are you feeling"?

Why is everyone so selfish? We are here to help each other, to support each other, and yet...it seems like it's every man on their own.


I guess now I understand that beauty&money doesn't equal happiness, and that i shouldn't be having dark thoughts just because i don't own either. It's such a shame that this had to happen in order for me to realize that.

R.I.P. Ruslana Korshunova
I hope you're in a better place now
I hope the pain is gone now
I hope you're Ok now.